Adam Schiff: Hi, Larry I hear you’re looking for a new assistant?
Larry David: Not really. Assistants are going out of style. Why are you even looking? I thought you were a Congressman?
AS: I know, but I was such a big hit on TV as a prosecutor during the impeachment trial, I thought you might be able to use me in your show.
LD: What makes you think you were such a hit? I mean, what competition did you have? You were the only “show” on every TV channel. And you’re not a barrel of laughs, Adam. In fact, watching you on TV makes the test pattern look good.
AS: Come on, Larry, CNN said I was “dazzling.” MSNBC said I was “admirable, powerful, emotional.” I was a hit, Larry.
LD: The only thing dazzling about your performance was that it was a knockout blow to everyone trying to stay awake. You were mind-numbing, not dazzling.
AS: But millions of people watched me, Larry.
LD: You were on six channels, Adam, and only eleven million watched you the first day. That’s fewer than two million per channel. And only seven million tuned in the last day. You dazzled them to death.
AS: I’m a long-distance runner, Larry. Can’t you use that kind of talent on your show?
LD: We don’t need long-winded talkers, Adam. We need funny. Are you funny? Or do you just put people to sleep?
AS: Now, wait a minute, Larry. Didn’t you hear me read Trump’s telephone transcript on the floor of the House?
LD: You made that up, didn’t you?
AS: Sure, it was a clever parody. Didn’t you think it was funny?
LD: No, Adam. It was stupid. But I’ll give you a chance. Say something funny now.
AS: The Russians are coming! The Russians are coming!
LD: Do you have anything else?
AS: How about this: Trump colluded with the Russians!
LD: No one cares about the Russians, Adam. Why do you keep talking about the Russians? The entire Mueller Report took two years to write, cost 30 million dollars, and it was boring. Even Mueller couldn’t read it because it was so boring. All it proved was that Trump had nothing to do with the Russians. But, wait a minute, that gives me another idea.
AS: Great.
LD: We could dress you up like a Russian…
AS: Why?
LD: You could be the Russian expert on the show; then you could make things up, like the Russians do, like you did with the Trump transcript.
AS: Look, I know plenty about Russian collusion.
LD: What does that mean?
AS: You know? Trump’s tying in with the Russians to defeat Hillary Clinton.
LD: Collusion isn’t funny. Collision—people bumping into things—is funny.
AS: Well, couldn’t we could do a skit about Trump colliding with a Russian prostitute?
LD: How about Trump colliding with an Etruscan prostitute?
AS: What’s an Etruscan?
LD: It doesn’t matter, Adam. It’s funny. Look, here’s a better idea. We could use you as a dummy.
AS: What do you mean?
LD: We could hang a sign around your neck that reads “dummy.” And every time someone asks you a question, you could say, “The Russians are coming! The Russians are coming!”
AS: That’s insulting, Larry. You’re making fun of me.
LD: You’re right, Adam. But then you would be funny.
AS: Come on, Larry. I’m trying to be helpful. Isn’t there a better role for me?
LD: How about this?
AS: I’m all ears.
LD: No, Adam, you’re all mouth. So my idea is: you just keep talking. And throughout the show we cut to you from time to time and see you talking behind a podium, saying the same thing over and over again, like “Trump lied. Trump lied.”
AS: Hmmmm. That’s not bad, Larry. It might work. It could be funny.
LD: No, Adam, it’s boring. But it’s a way of making boring funny. What do you say? It uses your best ability.
AS: Do you think people will like me?
LD: No, Adam, they’ll think you’re a doofus. But it will be funny.
AS: I’ll think about it, Larry. But don’t call me a doofus.
LD: Okay, Adam. I won’t call you a doofus. Millions of Americans saw you on TV. They know you’re a doofus.
AS: I could have you impeached for saying that, Larry.
LD: On what grounds? Collusion with a dummy? Or collision with the Etruscans?
*Larry David’s show is on HBO and called “Curb Your Enthusiasm.”
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